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Am I weak?

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Assalamu'alaikum,

I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling but... I feel like i'm going crazy, like i'm losing my mind..

Its so funny because I feel like I can't even control my own thoughts & feelings. One moment I'm alright & the next I go into a really negative mood.


I want to be ALONE..

Nobody understands me.

Do you know what it feels like to be in a room full of people yet feel like you're alone..
I'm drowning and all I see..  people, people all around me who are breathing.

My thoughts start to consume me... to the point it hurts for me to breathe. I feel so numb/empty yet I feel pain.

It hurts so much more than simple physical pain... Because I don't know how to cure this... and no amount of medication can fix this.

Maybe i'm too broken..

Ya Allah please forgive me if this..... if this is me being ungrateful & if this is me.... not putting enough trust in You.

There are times when all kinds of disturbing thoughts play around in my head... thoughts of death & pain... I love being in pain.. somehow I feel as though it's the only thing that fits me. Cause I'm not good enough for anything else.


But throughout everything, through all the pain & struggle... Allah has never once left me. Allah has always been there for me. Allah is the only One keeping me going. Allah is still giving me the chance to live, the chance to grow, the chance to keep fighting against myself.


I hate myself. I'm sorry Allah, I know I should love myself because everything you created is beautiful in its own way.

Alhamdulillah, I feel grateful.. if this experience will help me to share my experience with others who are struggling in silence then I am honoured, ya Allah.


What I say vs What I really mean:
I want to be alone Please stay. Please hug me & tell me its going to be okay.
Go away. Please show me you care enough to stay.

I just want to know that.. someone cares about me...

 Funny right... when Allah is always there & Allah loves us no matter what.... why do I crave more?

I'm wondering maybe, perhaps, I should .... go back to shutting people out? I don't want to drag them down with me. :'(


I'm wondering... is my iman really low that... I can succumb to this thing called depression?

It hurts the most when people tell me to get over it.. to just move on. To stop thinking about it... Do they think I choose to be this way? :(


Too many thoughts, sleepless nights, hurt feelings & broken hearts.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please understand that I was in pain and I never meant to hurt you too. I never meant to ruin things. I never meant to ruin us. ..

This post is dedicated to all those who feel lonely, depressed, anxious.. you're NOT alone. And you are certainly not weak! Keep going.. You can beat the monsters inside, with Allah's help anything is possible.

Allah is there for you always.... keep going back to Him.

"...Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us..."  [9:40]

Wassalam.




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